America Deserves Credit For England's World Cup Dominance

World Cup update number two:

Ok first of all hand up I can admit a mistake and in last weeks column I erronously thought that the Russia/Saudi Arabia opening match was the entire world cup without realizing this tourmnament thingamajig was going to last for like a month. We all make misstakes thats why god gave us a gag reflex. Since last weeks report however Messi has cemented himself as the biggest fraud in the history of soccer with the possble exception of Carlos Kaiser who was a professonaly soccer player who literaly never played. Kaiser was possbly the most effecient soccer player who ever existed because he would fake injurys before the games even started- the first one in the training room and the last guy to leave:

But England pulled a Falkland Islands and stole the spotlight from Argentina and there merry band of misfits by becoming the talk of the tournament behind two big wins verse perrenial powerhouses of Tunisia and Panama. I’m not sure these countries exist, but rather their names were just formed in a laboratory that invents countries by alternating consonants and vowels instead of nation-building the real way by dropping ordinance on them. Many people are saying this is Englands year to not massively dissappoint their easily massively disappointable fanbase and I tend to agree with them. But while most are quick to credit the players and head coach who looks like he’s straight out of Dunkirk-because when hes on I want to escape the Channel-I think its time to acknowledge the real hero of this world cup- The United States.

It is generally excepted by me and all my friends that the US is the best at every sport worth conquering, and if we arent its only because the computer is cheating or the other team uses eugenics more effectively. So it stands to reason that now that the World has soccer fever, the US is helping our most loyal ally achieve greatness. Great Britain is undefeated in the world cup since America took over its Royal Famliy with Megan Markle. Folks for years, the only  thing “great” about Britain was its misery and also the prefix to grandparents that there princes and princesses had in common. But now I dont care if there in bread, because this British team is on a roll. The fact is that through years of selective breeding, the United Kingdom elimnated the clutch gene from there leaders DNA. If you have two helix’s you dont have one, but then Guess Who shows up- thats right a American Woman.

England allways plays better when they have someone cooler to impress. Just look at their miltary history- when its one-on-one they are so bad that they literaly fought a constant war against France for 100 years and lost. But since 1812 when England stood idly by while Canada destroyed our nations capital, the UK and America have proven unstoppble as a team- smacking down the rest of the world in WW1, WW2, and then onto overwelming victories in Vietnam and Iraq.

So it makes sense that this superteam would reunite and lead England to glory. Markle gave the British something they’ve been lacking- a American. Americans have that “je ne se quois”, which is french for “deoderant.” It also means that Americans are just crazy and cool enough that you depserately want to impress them because if you dont we might declare a manifest destny on you which is like putting a fatwah on your land but it uses big polite sounding words so its legal. The British know they simply arent as cool as us but having a total American beauty to play for its no suprise they Rose to the occaision. Shes the modern day Helen of Troy with a face that inspires a nation to launch a thousand ships over to Russia like there pulling up to Belgian beach.

Lets also not dismiss the fact that Megan Markle is a Northwestern graduate where, even though they lost there accreditation, they teach actual journlism skills like calling Washington DC a minor-leaguye sports town instead of forcing all there reporters to pretend Pippa Middleton has a butt and engaging in high speed chases with there royal family.

We;ve come along way since 1776 when a plucky little expanson team known as the USA defeated a dynasty who were gonig into rebuilding mode and trying to secure the first draft pick.The fact is the Americans were trashtalking from the start, naming there first colony after the fact that Englands leader had never had sex. Its tough to come back from that- it positioned the US as the alpha big brother in our relationship with the UK from the very start, and now they’re finding out that you play a little bit harder when the girl you have a crush on is in the stands watching. So your welcome, England. Your Americas team now and now that you finally have a member of your royal famly that appears on The League I feel like you’ve finaly gained your big bros approval.

PS- Many People Are Asking For My Official Comments on Red Hen Gate

I would also like to comment that I stand or at least sit stationarily tapping my foot with Sarah Huckabee Sanders- as someone whose faced discrimnation by numberous bartenders who are racist against drunks who dont tip, its not a situaton I would wish on anyone. Rosa Parks might of been facing historical injustices that made her a second class citzen, but when I was advised by a bartender to mix in a water between my long island ice teas, I saw the ugly face of persecution rearing its ugly head and forcing me to hold its hair back while it puked. Its just sickening to me that a red-roofed chicken restaurant would choose to way into poltics in any fashion.

Lets bring back civilty in politics like when LBJ use to whip out his banger of a slophog because hippys didn’t want to drop napalm on farmers, or when a US Senator beat another guy to death with his cane to protect his freedom to keep humans as pets. Combative disagreement should be saved for things that matter like sports and parking spaces.

Thank you for your time.