My Hairline Is So Outrageous That Somebody Thought I Had A Mohawk

So yesterday I went to the Cubs/Mets game with Carrabis and Big Cat and Marlins Man. That’s a strange thing to type. Cause I can remember a time when I knew Marlins Man as just Marlins Man. This was before he became friendly with Barstool. He was just Marlins Man, the guy wearing a bright orange Miami Marlins jersey and visor at non-Marlins games who had incredible seats at all the biggest sporting events. Now I know Marlins Man and that’s strange to me. He’s a very nice guy.

Anyway. Big Cat was nice enough to ask me if I wanted to go to the game and I happily accepted. I mean look at those seats! I’d never been remotely that close at a baseball game. Well that’s not true. My family had season tickets to the Cedar Rapids Kernels for a couple years and our seats were right behind home plate. I hate to brag like that but it’s true. I watched the likes of Byron Buxton and Miguel Sano start their baseball careers from those seats.

But I’d never had seats that close at an MLB game. So I made my way to Citi Field yesterday afternoon and met up with my blogging brethren. It was a blast. The seats were stupid close. So close that the whole time I felt like I was getting away with something. Like I wasn’t supposed to be in seats that awesome despite having the ticket in my pocket. All the food was free and it was my cheat day so I scarfed down a delicious steak sandwich and a dangerous amount of sugar cookies. Good times were had by all.

I put the picture of the three of us at the game on my Instagram (@barstooltrent, feel free to hit me with a follow) cause it was a cool experience and did you really do something if you don’t put it on social media? I would argue that you did not.

Then an Instagram user named gettorious hit me with this comment

The comment confused me at first. I was like, “What is that dude talking about? I don’t have a mohawk” and then I looked at the picture again

AND I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A FUCKING MOHAWK! A full on mohawk! An on-purpose mohawk. Not that there’s anything wrong with mohawks. There’s not. I just don’t have one.

Listen, I’m not delusional about my hairline. I know it’s less than ideal. It’s a mess up there. But what am I supposed to do? People have said I should razor it down to a bald head. That’s an option, and I did it in high school, but I have a big scar on the top of my head (cause I’m a badass) and it’s not the most pleasant thing to look at. I could grow my hair out but I look like a complete weirdo. So I’m stuck with a buzz cut. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all this weight and I look fantastic but my hair is a debacle. So much so that people think I have a mohawk when I don’t. That’s just my hairline. More peaks and valleys than a mountain range. I also still don’t know what size shirt I wear. Being fat and not caring about my looks was so much better.