Barstool HQ Week In Review- 5/29/18 to 6/1/18
Welcome to the first Barstool HQ Week In Review. The power rankings were a feature that people seemed to enjoy, but since they’ve stopped, I’m starting up something new. A weekly review of everything that happened at HQ during the week. As I’ve mentioned before, I keep a Google Doc log of everything that happens in my life anyway, so this just seems like a natural fit.
Tuesday 5/29
The first unofficial official day of summer. It brought a few new interns into the office, including one who was seemingly uninvited. He walked in with a Houston Astros jersey and just sat down at Caleb’s desk. Wouldn’t say who he worked for. Jetski was physically removing him when Tex came over and almost murdered him. Turns out Big Cat hired him for the week and told him not to say anything. I reached out to Tex for comment and he said, “One day it’s gonna be ISIS walking off that elevator, and we’re not gonna react because that fat ass hired an intern as a joke that one time.”
There were other interns in the office who were hired in a more typical manner. The place was so crowded. On a personal note, I was tired so went with a large morning coffee instead of a medium. Big mistake. Was peeing like a racehorse and there’s like a 20 minute wait now to use the bathrooms with all the new people in the office.
Wednesday 5/30
The Internet exploded on Tuesday night between Drake/Pusha T and the Colangelo burners, which made for an eventful Wednesday.
Also, we officially got almost all the new interns here for the summer.
Intern Sean stole the show. KFC came over to him and said “you’re way too good looking to work here man.”
Francis was less subtle. He said “This kid is handsome. I want to fuck him”
Dave even blogged about him. I wrote a blog introducing all the new interns we have so far, but more will come in next week. This crew certainly isn’t camera shy and got on the Rundown Day 1. The first time I was on the Rundown was 7 months into my tenure, and it was only for Dave to call me alarmingly stupid and threaten to fire me.
Later in the day, we had beer pong and flip cup competitions, thanks to our friends over at Wicked Big Sports.
Sometimes people will ask me, “What is it like working at Barstool? Must be sick. You guys prob just crush beers all day.” That is very much not true, but happened to be quite accurate Wednesday. If any of the new interns had that perception of Barstool, well they weren’t proven wrong on their first day.
I had a very embarrassing showing in flip cup. I was drafted to KFC’s team after Dave passed over me (not that I care or anything and I totally did NOT cry in the shower about it later that night). As a Team Portnoy member, I asked permission to join his team, and Dave granted it. Maybe he figured I’d stink at flip cup and let me join so I would sink KFC’s team.
I’m actually pretty good at actually flipping the cup, but the chugging was an issue. I mean it was a huge cup. And I stand by saying there was probably a hole in it. Look, this just wasn’t for me. Way back in college (3 weeks ago), I would bring my own cups to parties because I’m that much of a germaphobe. I didn’t want to be sharing saliva during beer pong, flip cup, 21 cup, etc. I’d just pour the beer into my own cup. It was for my sake, but really a selfless move to protect everyone else since I’m always sick.
Thursday 5/31
Another new intern joined the crew on Thursday, Kmarko’s intern “The Hound.” The Hound had a scheduling conflict on Wednesday but was able to clear his busy schedule for Thursday and came bearing gifts.
Some of the others interns were grinding.
I announced that I will be taking credit for all of “that dude’s” accomplishments since he’s my college roommate and I got him hired. However, I will NOT be taking any blame for his mistakes, such as his Riggs’ screw up.
One thing all the interns need to improve on- respecting the troops. While Kate was busy being disrespected, she also was working on a very funny blog with Francis comparing their DMs.
Speaking of heroes, Nate got back from the Stanley Cup and returned to work for the first time since Piegate. He provided us with an update on these dickhead kids who had the nerve to target, in Nate’s own words, “an above average to good blogger.”
In other news, I told people about how I always ask for a “slice of gum” instead of a “piece of gum.” It’s by far the sickest thing I do. I can’t recommend it enough. Here’a video of me using it in action. WARNING: It is so cool that it will blow yours balls off.
Anyway, on to the Spelling Bee. Kmarko dubbed Francis as the heavy favorite and the Harvard grad did not disappoint. It was really total annihilation.
There was a lot of controversy though. Big Cat was getting planted easy words for an ad. Hank was getting planted impossible words for an ad. “Dog” was a Round 2 word. That was like 4 words after Dave got “effervescent” and two words before I got “potpourri.” What a crock of shit. Francis got “faucet” in Round FIVE. Hubbs had the easiest path to the Final Four ever. He had words like “outrageous” and “exhibit” in rounds 3 and 4. He’s like the team that makes the Final Four facing a bunch of double digit seeds. Dave wasn’t happy. I wasn’t either. Team Portnoy doesn’t make excuses, but I mean….. come on. Whatever, it was fun anyway. Francis had the most fun though. He got $1,500 for winning and the picture of a lifetime.
Friday 6/1
The interns were getting on some people’s nerves. As per Monday and Friday tradition, we have bagels and breakfast sandwiches delivered to the office. Some of the new interns made a mad dash for the food like you wouldn’t believe. There’s enough for everyone usually, but typically in the past interns wait a little bit til others have eaten and they only take bagels, not the breakfast sandwiches. This group did not get the memo. The office chatter was about how this would never happen at the Old Barstool. I don’t think Hank ate for his first 6 months in Milton. Between that and Big Ev (aka The Double Vodka Don aka Ya Wifey’s Favorite Big Boy aka The King of the Hawaiian) mishandling his newfound whiteboard responsibilities, Tex had seen enough.
Meanwhile, our fearless leader was stuck at an elevator. I was worried sick to my stomach.
Luckily, my prayers were answered.
Back at HQ, a big-time hire was announced.
Large and KFC wrote an introduction blog for him. A welcome addition to the pirate ship.
And that wraps up the first Barstool HQ Week in Review. A short one, but an eventful one nonetheless. We’re on to June.
@TomScibelli on Twitter