Some Sick Bastard Robbed A Bunch Of Sandwiches From My Beloved Private Golf Club

NJ.com- A 47-year-old man was arrested after ransacking the Bayonne Golf Club and stealing more than $4,000 in goods, police said.

Early Tuesday morning, John A. Hyland, of Avenue C, was pulled over after making a “hazardous” turn…

During the stop, police also noticed he had several wholesale cases of sports drinks and snacks, a plastic container filled with sealed and unsealed liquor bottles, and a number of wicker baskets filled with food items in the passenger seat, authorities said.

Officers also noticed sandwiches packed in cardboard boxes, as well as plastic bags filled with beer cans, both stamped with the “Bayonne Golf Club” logo, police said.

Officers met with a representative from the golf club who confirmed three doors leading into the property were forced open, and the refreshment area was ransacked and burglarized, police said.

The links-style golf course, which opened in 2006, features expansive views of Manhattan. According to the website, the ultra-exclusive club offers private memberships to “those discerning few…who understand the unique privilege of retreating from the city to golf.”

When I read this story, it made me sick to my stomach. Never has a crime hit so close to home for me, so close to my heart, and I had a guy break in to my OWN HOME in January. What kind of MONSTER steals a bunch of hand-rolled chicken caesar wraps? I don’t give a shit about the beer, honestly. Beers are a dime a dozen. I drink beers and don’t even keep track because I learned in college that only fucking losers do that. Although I kinda keep track in the back of my mind so that I can tell people the next day how many beers I had, if it’s an impressive number. So in that sense, I guess I do keep track of my beers.

The point is, our fantastic staff worked hard to stuff and roll those wraps. I’ll bet this asshole took a bunch of the PB&J half-sandwiches too. And the 1st tee energy bars! And the ingredients for transfusions! And scorecards, tees, tiny pencils, ball markers, pitchmark-fixing tools, and all the stuff that you DON’T GET ACCESS TO UNLESS YOU ASK DAD TO PONY UP FOR THE INITIATION FEE, YOU MONSTER! I’m sorry your dad is poor but that’s no excuse for a life of crime.

We seem to have a bit of a problem with security at our club. The driving range at Bayonne is awesome–you hit floating balls into the Hudson, into an area that is enclosed with roped buoys. A couple times a day, some seaman takes a small boat and a net and scoops all the balls out of the water. It sure is fun hitting balls into the water without having to worry about the poor pelicans mistaking them for fish and choking to death.

But last year, in the middle of the night, a guy stole the boat they use to retrieve the balls. Apparently they discovered it a few days later in Staten Island or Brooklyn or something. I don’t know if he was a Navy SEAL or a deadbeat townie from Bayonne, but while the boat was missing, we couldn’t use the range. And without the range, or my caesar wraps, my game goes to shit! What is this madness? Did we hand out keys to the club at the county fair or something? All this time, I thought our clubhouse was a fortress that kept the riffraff and poors OUT; in reality, it’s a 24-7 unmanned soup kitchen with booze. Come and get it, fellas! Cruise the New York harbor while you slug infinity beers!

I may lose my membership for writing this blog, but I legitimately don’t feel safe going there due to this recent crime wave. You think Winged Foot has this problem? They won’t even let Jews in, and Jewish people are the most law-abiding citizens on earth. I’m not saying we go full anti-semite, but let’s at least invest in some barbed wire and a bike chain for the boat? Put the renovations for 9 green on hold and reallocate the money towards a gate guy who won’t look the other way when some hoodlum slips him a $20? Just a thought. I’ll also write all this out and slip it into the suggestion box.

PS- I’d like to play on Sunday at 4PM please, with Matt Kelly on the bag if he’s available. Thanks guys.